Self Pittied Loser
Toward the end of August (2015), I lost my job. The initial hiring process foreshadowed how gut pinching, unreasonably challenging it was to make any real progress for this company. Needless to say, I was not devastated when my boss asked to “chat in his office”. I recorded the firing, never listened to it. There were no grounds for me being let go, it was a slimy situation sprinkled with blackmail and harassment. Altogether the challenge of losing a job was the slap 25 years old, poof, no income, and no backup plan. I was dumbfounded.
“Emotionally drained from the extensive 7-month job search, coated with the slimy goo of the company I just left, I decided with the backed support of my man, it was time to time to quote, “find myself.”
Quietly I was making plans to move to New York jump-starting my determination early August by submitting my application to Fashion Institute of Technology. The timeline was to consist of working up until Christmas and move to New York in January. Being that I am now jobless and emotionally drained from the extensive 7-month job search, coated with the slimy goo of the company I just left, I decided with the backed support of my man, it was time to time to quote, “find myself.”
Why the low self-esteem?
There where stories to my background, who wouldn’t have some tales at the age of 25? My background is messy, but I have also overcome obstacles that others deemed too much and quit. The problem with the history and current outlook is that I hated being me. Intense, I know.
I lost myself in college, ironically. Some reasons were choosing a major, not my passion, (also one that was not desirable to job seekers), I had been working 12 hour night shifts 7p-7a for 3 years leading to the demise of my self-care, and I didn’t participate with my University since I was “there to learn and take things seriously” also always staying with my boyfriend in the city instead of campus.
“Several people relate to feeling like someone who lost their soul as if it just evaporated slowly over time.”
So here I was, looking into the bathroom mirror trying to remember the last time I felt even the slightest bit okay with the girl staring me back. So frustrated with my life and how it was nothing I wanted or imagined, I was so incredibly tired of being miserable. Drama queen? Not at all, I think several people relate to feeling like someone who lost their soul as if it just evaporated slowly over time. Everything has to change and quick!
Fortunately for me, my boyfriend and his worn-thin soul were fed up with me drowning in my own tears and self-pity. He went out on a limb buying two books…Self-help books. At this point I might as well give them a chance, what’s the worst that could happen? I might actually find help? One of the two books, You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero. The first few weeks I set the book aside, the title and bright yellow cover intimidated my worried mind.
Step 1. You are a Badass
I will say that my self-worth and love for life changed picking up the bright yellow book, stating that I indeed am badass. I started reading the ‘yellow book’ poolside with a few guy pals. The bright cover or title peaked their interest providing me with my first step, I followed what was written keeping my head high continuously telling them, “I am a badass and that I am doing great things.” That mentality alone, I kicked their butts round after round of cards, my motto of being a badass became their open-jaw motto for my winnings.
What trickery is this? A book enhancing your life within the first few pages, witchery! Jen Sincero repeatedly says, “You have to believe in and love yourself.” Reading just the introduction and then winning a card game I never played had me feeling good about myself and enjoying the time I spent with others. Now I believed in myself to win at new challenges all while genuinely expressing happiness and joy with others. Trust me this was a new experience, I had been raised to be so self-absorbed that I was missing out on letting go and being free.
I read on. Soon I found a true Mandy, one that was dying her hair purple, smiling at her reflection in the mirror, actually having a good-care-free time with her boyfriend and channeling her inner self with meditation. Oh, and finally started THIS blog which I had only been talking about doing for over a year, and FINALLY got over myself and fear of others thoughts and got on Instagram @threadingthroughlife.
Now I still don’t have a job, and still have bad days or moments although they are rare, most of all I have LIFE! An actual life that I am glad to be a part of and am excited to see where the positive work-in-progress thank-the-universe energy is going to take me. I now have a one-way ticket booked and packing my life in a carry-on and 2 checked bags to couch surf indefinitely in New York City. So here is the power of the yellow book, being the badass you are proud of and always desired to be, and believing in the positive energy and love the universe has to offer.